Resume of Jesus for Application to serve at the United Church of Personal Truth
by Matt Slick
Bob: So, pastor Ellen, I've got one more resume for us to go over. I've saved the best for last. It's from a guy named Mr. Word.
Ellen: Interesting name.
Bob: Yeah, it is. Anyway, you won't believe this guy's resume. It's really short and hilarious.
Ellen: How so?
Bob: Well, he doesn't put down his age. Apparently he doesn't have any formal theological training. In fact, he doesn't even list an address and there's no phone number.
Ellen: You're joking.
Bob: Not at all. And check this out. Under "Experience" it says, "Discipled 12 men for 3 years as we walked around the country, depending on God for our food, clothing, and shelter. We preached about the Judgment to come and the need for repentance from sin."
Ellen: Walked around the country?
Bob: Yeah, I guess he doesn't have a car! LOL
Bob: It gets better. Under "Special Skills" it lists creating, forgiving, teaching, admonishing, discipling, and healing.
Ellen: You've got to be kidding. This guy is arrogant.
Bob: You haven't heard the half of it. As always, we did a background check on all applicants and you won't believe what we found. The guy has had numerous complaints against him for such things as disturbing the peace and violence.
Ellen: Wait! He's violent?
Bob: Oh yeah! He trashed one religious institution when he went in there and turned over some tables. Then he attacked everyone by swinging something, a whip I think, and chased them away while he was yelling at them. There were huge complaints about him most everywhere he went. Oh, I almost forgot. His so-called disciples were doing the same thing. They're just like him, causing problems wherever they go! Apparently, they are against a lot of preachers. It's a real problem.
Ellen: And this guy wants to work here? Like that's going to happen.
Bob: But wait, there's more!
Bob: Okay, so we contacted some places where he's been and they said he's friends with some pretty bad people and that has a foul mouth.
Bob: Yeah. There are a bunch of reports of him hanging around drunkards, prostitutes, drug adicts, and gluttons. And get this, apparently he calls people names like hypocrite, being full of dead bones, vipers, that they are of the devil, and stuff like that. This guy is a complete lunatic.
Ellen: LOL... and he wants to serve in this church? Wow... this is great stuff. Maybe I can use his resume as an illustration of how not to behave as a Christian in my sermon this week.
Bob: Great idea! But I have to warn you. Here at the bottom of the resume he wrote that he wants to visit our church this Sunday. Here, let me read this, "I will be at your next Sunday service. I am coming quickly as I visit seven churches."
Ellen: Seven churches? What? Is this guy desparate for a job?
Ellen: Well, have a couple of the elders stand guard by the front door next to the self-help book tables so that if we spot him we can kick him out. We definitely don't want anyone like that getting in here and messing up our congregation with this kind of wacko teaching.
Bob: You got that right. What a joke this guy is.
Ellen: That was great for a laugh though.
Bob: By the way, what is your sermon on this Sunday?
Ellen: It's on how to love everyone and how love is the most important thing and how we need to be tolerant of others.
Bob: Great, I'm looking forward to it.
Name: Mr. Word
Contact Info: I'll contact you.
Objective: To teach the gospel and the word of God the Father to his congregation so that God's people might become disciple makers.
Travel: Never left the country
Work and Related Experience: Discipled 12 men over a three-year period.
Special skills: Creating, forgiving, teaching, admonishing, discipling, and healing
Hobbies: Feeding thousands of people, walking on water, calming storms, etc.
References: God. Introduction upon request.
Note: "I will be at your next Sunday service. I am coming quickly as I visit seven churches."
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