Conversation? What's That?

Chapter 14

Conversation? What's That?

You know something? Most guys don't have a lot of terribly interesting things to say...to women that is. Oh sure, we can blab about sports and cars and things. But women just sigh annoyingly when we try to impress them with our knowledge of fishing, football, or foul-tips. They simply don't care. Well, no one is perfect.

But this raises a most serious problem. What the heck are we supposed to talk about? Most girls aren't interested in important things like tools. They don't care about batting averages, yardage gained, or the intricacies of carburetors. Girls like to look at "pleasant" and "soft" things where guys like looking at road kills. Girls like romantic settings, guys like rocks and dirt. Girls like dressing up; guys like slobbing out. Girls want to spend time with a handsome man who is extremely charming and fascinatingly interesting to talk to. Guys want to go out with babes who know the worth of a man of personality, who can accept the fact that boys burp, belch, slap each other, prop their legs up, and hawk loogies. Where women prefer less obstreperous forms of communication, men easily banter in pejorative forms of communicative vulgarities. There is a world of difference between us and it just isn't practical to retrain them to appreciate what we like. So, we must compromise.

Being the soft gentle delights women are, they want nothing to do with our rough and gruff macho kind of image explained, retold, bragged about, and boasted in while on a date, in the office, driving a car, or doing just about anything else. Girls make it tough for us manly men to impress them. We can't fascinate them on our terms, it has to be on theirs. Now, I ask you, is that fair? Heck no!

The problem of entertaining a woman is many-fold. First, you must be talented. Second, you must be talented. And third, you must be talented. Are you talented? Neither am I. But, I managed to marry by keeping my then-potential-wife confused, bewildered, and constantly thinking about me. That is why she said yes when I asked for her hand. Now that she has had time to think things over, its too late. We're married. She's stuck!

Anyway, enough about my success. You want to know how to do something similar, so I'll get on with it. An important and simple issue is: what do girls like to talk about? Well, I'm not really too sure, but I have "accidently" overheard a few of their conversations which have helped clue me in. When a man is mentioned it is usually in the context of how much money he has, how good looking he is, or how his muscles make him irresistible. I've rarely heard a girl conversation go like this:

Mary: I see you are dating Tom now.

Cathy: Yes, I am. Tom is such a kind and gentle man. He is honest, trustworthy, and loves children. That is why I am dating him.

Well guys, let me tell you. Mary and Cathy live on a planet in the LaLa Nebula. We know how a girl conversation really goes. Consider this:

Wendy: I see you are dating that hunk of a man, Bob.

Cindy: Yes, I am. Bob is so good looking, makes lots of money, and drives a Porche. And when he wears shorts, I just want to die. His rear is so cute I could scream. You're just jealous because I got him first.

Uh huh. We know which one of these conversations is real, yes-siree-bob. That is why we, who can fit our bodies through unstrung tennis rackets, who have faces that look like a wads of duct-tape, and have the financial holdings of a bag-lady, must work with the only attributes left to us, our personality.

So, what I need to do here now is shift gears a tad and introduce a bit of vocabulary. There are specifically two words you absolutely must become familiar with if you are to develop your personality into its utmost perfect girl-catching form. The words go together; they are, "inane persiflage." Inane means foolish or silly, lacking sense. Persiflage means a joking or flippant form of speaking or writing (kind of what I am doing, wouldn't you say?). But for our purposes you must learn that these words are the second half of a phrase that should be your heart's goal once you comprehend its intricacies and delectable worth. The phrase to live by is, "Master Of Inane Persiflage." You need to become a master of inane persiflage; you need to M.O.I.P. Moiping is a serious part of wooing and winning. It is absolutely necessary if you are to impress your date or potential date sufficiently to dupe her into spending more time with you. But you say you don't know how to do this thing called moiping? Oh yes you do.

Do you remember being in school and writing a long laborious paper about some totally worthless subject that you couldn't care about even if they paid you? Well I do! That is where the manly genetic ability of moiping first rears its salvific (that means saving) head. "Oh thank you, thank you," I've said to the good Lord above for giving me enough inane persiflage to write so the teacher would give me a half-way descent grade. You'd be surprised how much of nothing you can say in numerous imaginative and redundant ways. Actually, it is rather uplifting to know you can throw verbal cow dung around and get away with it. You know what I mean? But, back to the main subject.

Have you ever been in a car with a girl on a date and you suddenly find that you have nothing to say? You want to say something. You better say something. But what? You look at each other and smile. You watch the scenery scroll by. You clear your throat and swallow. The evening is becoming dull. Can you talk to her about basketball? No. How about football? No. Ummm. Well, how about something she knows about, like sewing and cooking? Yea, that's it. Say something about cooking. You better say something soon because she's going to think you're the most boring clod on the planet. Every second that passes without witty conversation is only another example of your inability to entertain. So you say, "Do you cook?"

Your date slowly turns her head toward you and stares for a moment. That is when you realize that you query may not have been the most appropriate. What can you do? Only one thing, smile and hope for the best.

But actually, things aren't that bad. I mean, after all, she did agree to go out with you, right? You aren't great looking or have a great car but she's with you. So what does that mean? Simple, she's not too bright. So, you shouldn't have any problem getting a good response from her. And you do, she says, "Yep."

See how easy that was? Now you can talk about cooking or something. Ask about pots and pans and spatulas. All girls cook and know what pans are, ask her what kind she uses and how many forks she has. Don't worry you'll make an impression on her.