The Jerk Quotient

Chapter 2

The Jerk Quotient

No Pain; No Gain.

Sorry guys, its time for the bitter medicine of truth: we're jerks. We mess up, wig out, make mistakes, say, "Don't worry, it'll never break," then fix what just broke. We boast, show off, and try to impress girls only to wonder why they can't see how great we are. Well, they can't see how great we are because they so often see how much of a jerk we can be. And here's a kicker, when we try not to be a jerk that is when we are most like one. We can't win; we're cursed...but maybe not.

What you probably didn't know about jerkiness is that it is a factor many women find essential in a man when they are getting serious in the date-life scene, want to marry, and produce offspring. Now I don't mean to say that a woman says to herself, "Okay, I want to get married. Where's a jerk?" Not at all. Jerkiness is appealing to women; they just don't know that it is. They often mistake jerkiness for other traits like wit, charm, and humor -- that is, with a little coaching from us guys.

This is how it works. First, girls know that guys still play with balls, can't cook, want big toys, and barely dress well (these are excellent jerk qualities, incidentally). They suspect this is due to some mental and emotional immaturities genetically imbedded in the male species (are not, are not, are not). But to a guy, proper jerkiness is a matter of style, cunning, and general clutsiness that naturally takes advantage of the woman's deficiencies (like picking a good man, for example).

Second, think of this:

Why does a man want to marry in the first place? I mean, what guy in his right mind would want to stop dating and give up all those lovely ladies just so he can be with one...for the rest of his entire life? She's going to grow old, get lots of wrinkles, and sag everywhere. Now, is that appealing? Heck no. Marriage means no more spontaneous nights out with the guys. It means buying a house so you can scrimp and save to pay for it, just so your kids can tear it up and then leave. It means driving a station wagon instead of a Vet and buying diapers instead of C.D.'s. What kind of a guy would want a situation like that? A confused love struck jerk, that's what kind! You see, love blinds us. Its nature's way of tricking men in the groin and forcing them to produce millions of infant humans...so it'll have more people to trick. I mean, it isn't reason that urges us into the bonds of perpetual, endless wedlock. Maybe there is an I-want-to-get-married gene in us activated by love. But the more I think about it, the more I think it is due to...

The Ungowa Drive

What is the ungowa drive you ask? Simple. In non-technical terms it is that drive caused by a pesky little gene that forces men to want to protect helpless females. You know. It is best typified in those old Johnny Weismiller Tarzan flicks. Ole' Johnny, I mean Tarzan, swings through the trees, kicks massive quantities of native rear end, totally annihilates the degenerate white hunter, and even though he kills eight lions at once using only his bare hands and a loin cloth, is not fulfilled until he protects Jane from something. >

Translated into more civilized terms, what this means for us is basically that we have a need to protect our women from things like bugs and small rodents -- which is what a lot of women think that's all we are good for.

By the way, here's a few of the meanings of the word "Ungowa"; it has various contextually determined definitions such as "Cheetah, get help quick...", "Elephant, squish this stupid white hunter..." or "Hey, come on in. The water is fine--except for the alligators." All the aforementioned are derived from context and intonation, and here is the clincher. The one common factor is that all of these phrases end with, "...so I can finish this adventure and get back to flexing my pecs around Jane."

So, there you have it. We have this Ungowa Drive, not inherited from cave men (silly notion) but from an Olympic swimmer turned actor. Boy, I'm glad that's clear. Now on with the application of your newly discovered genetic anomaly.

When the unpredictable mothering instinct (chapter 13) is combined with the chronic Ungowa Drive, sparks fly. Considering that these factors often result in the blessed marital union of man and woman, it is, therefore, important for you to know a little something about jerkiness. Why? Because girls marry jerks, which brings me to the point of this anthropological tirade: If you are a jerk, then you must know your "Jerk Quotient".

You've heard of "Intelligence Quotient" (I.Q.). Well this is on the other end of the scale, the J.Q. The same way that your I.Q. is discovered through a delightful grilling of your mental faculties (or lack thereof) and a corresponding number is assigned to your intellectual worth, so too with the J.Q. Yes, you too can know precisely the level of jerkiness you possess and therefore your worth in the well traveled circles of dating and marriage.>

A J.Q. is the relationship between your obnoxious factor and your jerk factor. Depending where you are on the scale (see following chart) you will be able to ascertain the probability of being married within 2 years. Why 2 years? because it takes one year to meet, date, impress, and confuse a girl enough to get her to think about you so much that she believes she needs you, or wants your, or maybe even loves you. It is hard work. Anyway, just as she has no choice but to be inextricably drawn to your inanity, you will invariably succumb to the Ungowa drive and propose. But, just so you know, the Ungowa drive has been and probably is working on you this very second. Why else would you continue to read this book and take it so seriously?

Anyway, the probability of being married in two years is affected by your jerk quotient and will herein be referred to officially as J.Q.>

Below are questions that you must answer either "yes" or "no". You then must add your scores and mark them on the Official J.Q. Scale. Just follow the directions for scoring the two sets of questions. (Remember to be honest; women want honest obnoxious jerks, not dishonest ones.)

Obnoxious Questions

Obnoxious questions attempt to identify the finer qualities associated with manners, opinions, and knowledge. Be sure to think carefully, savor the nuances of each, and then thoughtfully and respectfully, give your answers.

 

Question

 yes no
1. Do you wish you could belch so loud that the channel in the apartment next door changes?
2.

Do you think the 3 stooges are classic cinematic accomplishments?
3.

Do you generally know everything about everything and don't mind showing it?
4.

Should sports and dog appreciation be taught to all girls from kindergarten on up?
5. Do you think Pizza is one of the four basic food groups?
6.

Is it true that the bigger your TV, the more of a man you are?
7. Do you enjoy projectile vomiting?
8. Do you enjoy watching others projectile vomit?
9. Have you ever seen a pile of your dirty clothes move?
10.

Have you ever nuked food in the microwave until it is fused to the molecular structure of the plate?

Totals


Now, weren't those fun and revealing?


Jerk Questions

Jerk questions are just as important, if not more so, than obnoxious question. Again, contemplate, examine, search your inner being, and answer cautiously, with the utmost respect, seriousness, and honesty.

Question

 yes no
1. Would you ever lower yourself to reading an etiquette book?
2. Do you know what an etiquette book is?
3. Do you color coordinate your clothes occasionally?
4.

Would you hesitate to open your mouth in order to exchange feet?
5.

If you had Mega Deluxe Thunder Boom Box speakers would you resist making sure that everyone in the county knew you had them?
6.

Would you ever go to a fancy restaurant, except if absolutely necessary to impress a girl?
7.

Do you have any problem with wearing socks until they're hard and crusty?
8. Do you think eating is more important than sports?
9. Do you see anything wrong with that big fella in the truck next to you with his finger half way up his nose?
10. Do you have any problem blowing paper though straws at other people while in a restaurant or in a movie?

Totals


Perhaps you doubt the wisdom and psychological depth of these questions. Oh, how little you know. They are the result of incalculable hours of intense examination, research, extrapolation, logic, and guess work. They are designed to bring out precise information about your character and manners. Nothing has been left to chance and you can rest assured that your J.Q. will be as accurate as is humanly possible.

The Official Jerk Quotient Scale

To score your J.Q. you simply add up the number of yes answers in the obnoxious questions category and mark it on the left side of the chart. Then add up all the no answers in the jerk question category and mark it on the bottom line of the chart. Draw a horizontal and a vertical line from your respective marks. If, for example, your obnoxious value were 9 and your jerk value were 8, then you multiply 9 by 8 and get 72. You are then 72 % obnoxious jerk. (Need I say that the closer to 100% you are, the better? Only a few of us are in the one-hundred-percentile-obnoxious-jerk category. I can't help but brag (another admirable trait) and say that I scored 100% on the scale. I am the MASTER!!!

Anyway, to discover your percentage chance of getting married in two years or less you continue the lines to the right and top. Where they hit the percentage marks are the numbers that you add up. For example. If you scored a 9 and an 8 your chart would look like this:

(Not provided in this web version)

 

Official Jerk Quotient Scale Example

To determine your percentage chance of getting married in two years or less simply add the corresponding percentages; hence, this example would have a percentage probability of 47% (horizontal scale) plus 40% (vertical scale), an excellent 87% chance of being married within two years. So, this would result in a 72 at 87%. This person would be a prime candidate for marriage to any deserving female intelligent enough to recognize the exceptional quality of such a fine hunk of maleness.

If, for some strange reason, there are females reading this highly revealing and accurate book, then you might be interested in questioning your man and adding up the scores yourself. A warning though, men tend to answer the way they think women want them to. So, you will probably get a distorted J.Q. score. In that case, add about 30 points and 25%. That should even things up a bit and you will be able to tell how much of a jerk your boyfriend really is.

Wait a minute, if you're a girl, why are you reading this in the first place!?

 

 

 

 
 
CARM ison