Last Things

Chapter 15

Last Things

Why do girls go to the bathroom in groups?

I don't get it. When one girl says, "I need to use the ladies room," four or five others get up and join her and hurry off like a bunch of cats. There could be four couples at a restaurant all enjoying a good meal and one girl says she's going to freshen up and that's it, they’re gone. Why do they do that? Furthermore, what do they all do in the bathroom? Do they need three hands to flush a toilet? Are they afraid to be in there alone?

The only rational explanation is that they talk about guys. That has to be it. There isn't any other logical reason. They go in there and gossip. They say things like, "Isn't he cute?", giggle, giggle, giggle. "Can you believe what Bob said, I was so embarrassed," giggle, giggle, giggle. "Mike has a nice car." "Bob's rear is so sexy." "I just love Brian's biceps." The list goes on. I guess a bathroom is a safe haven for women. It’s their own little world where they can say things they wouldn't dare say in front of men or normal people. I say we bug the bathrooms.

Why are some girls always late?

Have you ever noticed the time differential between men and women? Let me illustrate. You are at your girl friend's house and you say, “Let's go to the movies.” She says, "Okay, sounds great." You stand up and instantly you are ready to go. She heads toward the bathroom and says, "I'll be just a minute."

Did you hear what she said? "Just a minute"? Not on your life. After she says that exaggerated statement of incredulity, the only thing you can do is to sit down, turn on the T.V., and watch a football game or two. About the time the tide comes in again, she'll come prancing out of the bathroom and say, "Ready." Of course, by then you’re ready to snooze. Dribble is slowing leaking out of your mouth as you are about to drop off into la la land and snooze a few. You offer a confused stare and say, "Huh? Ready for what?"

Now, this isn't because you're dumb, or even playing dumb, it is because you forgot where you were going. So what happens? She gets upset with you for forgetting what you were going to do. Now is that fair? Especially after it was her fault.

What this whole thing proves, and we know it is true, is that girls have a different concept of time than guys. When guys say 10 minutes they mean ten minutes, 600 seconds. What a girl means is 10 minutes, plus or minus twenty.

The suspicious thing about this phenomenon is that when you tell a girl you'll call her in two days, to her it seems like two weeks. But, if you're a geek then the two days seems like two minutes. To a guy, two days is two days, and that's it.

Remember how the bewilder filter causes problems with girl things, like thinking, waiting, listening, talking, buying, selling, cooking, dating, dressing, etc? When it comes to time you better interpret according to girl time, not guy time. That means if you want to be somewhere by noon, tell her you need to be there at eight o'clock in the morning. That should work out just fine.

Why do girls like to shop?

Shopping is fun; I can see that. Its cool buying a stereo or a jacket. We know what we want. We go into the store and say, "I'll take THAT jacket right there." Its kind of like conquering. Men like to conquer. They conquer by running the bases, making touch downs, making more money...and buying something in three minutes or less.

Girls, on the other hand, will circle, close in, back off, touch, feel, try on, put back, sigh, smile, go to another store, circle, close in, back off, touch, feel,... It’s a ritual. They drag it out and enjoy every last shopping moment they can squeeze from the buying experience. And what's more, they like to do it in groups!

One more thing. Have you ever been shopping with your girlfriend? It can be exhausting. My girlfriend, now wife, used to trap me in a men's store and pile up no less than fourteen pairs of pants and twelve shirts on me and say, "Go try them on." I knew there was no decent way to get out of this so I hurried through them. I used to say, "I'll buy these pants" to her after the first pair I tried on hoping I wouldn't have to go through the rest. It didn't work. She just pointed a stern finger at the dressing room and off I went. I just look at it this way. I had to put up with her if I wanted to win her. I did. It worked.

So there you have it, how to woo and win women by being an obnoxious jerk. As you can see it is a complicated and messy business and will take a lot of effort and sacrifice on your part. I'm sorry I couldn't make things simpler for you. Face it, being an obnoxious jerk is what this book is about and being a jerk simply isn't easy. Most things worth a hoot in life aren't.