Using your face

Chapter 10

Using your face

There is this feature that most men possess that allows them to communicate in rather imaginative forms. This feature can be used to express all sorts of emotions and, if used properly, can bring a smile to the woman of your dreams which is better than a kick in the pants. What is this wonder of communication excellence? It’s your face. You know, that thing on the front of your head with several holes in it.

Upon facial scrutiny, women notice men who are good looking, O.K. looking, or eh looking. Do they bother to search for deeper qualities like, I.Q., personality, spontaneity, wit, charm, humor, or all the other vast and numerous qualities that we so abundantly possess? No. They say, "What a hunk," or in our cases, "What a dweeb." Well, dweebness is all right. Dweebness of face is only the beginning of the excellence of facial skill that needs to be developed. Yes, facial skill. Let me illustrate.

You are in a library with your girlfriend and she picks up a book on cooking. You wait for the proper moment to comment about some food substance she has cooked in the past and that it was a delectable meal indeed. In fact, it was so good that every time you think about it, you get hungry all over again. You say to her, "You don't need a book on cooking. You are such an excellent cook already, what would you need that for?" Of course, most girls will see right through that facade of kiss-upness and will kind of smirk in a half-smiling disbelief. You, on the other hand, will send her a facial expression that is perfect for the moment. You will raise both eyebrows drop, your shoulders down an inch, and say, "What?" The girls Bewilder Filter (discussed in chapter 5) will kick in and you will appear to resemble a little puppy. The point scoring here is immense because you have complimented her and looked like a puppy--and girls can't resist puppies. She will appreciate you, like you, and enjoy your company all at the same time. She basically has no defense against this.

Do you see how a properly placed facial expression can be very conducive to wooing and winning? You should. In fact, it is so important that you should practice expressions. You should, "xxxxxxx" This is the only way to increase facial skills.

First of all, I recommend starting off with simple exercises. For example: stand in front of a mirror, with no one around of course, and think of emotions to express--with nothing more than your face. Express anger, then happiness, then hunger, then sadness and whatever else comes to mind. Work into more difficult expressions like confusion, annoyance, contemplation, and disgust. This will prove to be enjoyable, profitable, and kind of embarrassing.

Spend a few minutes in the single-concept expression mode and once you are warmed up, your face will be ready for more serious manipulations. You should take the next phase of xxxxxxx seriously. Why? Because it can become dangerous. It is the double-concept-expressive (known in professional xxxxxxx circles as DCE). DCE's have been known to hospitalize many xxxxxx. The only known cure for "sprained-face" is a good dose of muscle relaxers. There is a funny twist of fate at this point. The resulting loosening of facial muscles renders the face extremely susceptible to zero-I.Q. expressions. Mastering this expression is difficult under normal conditions, so it is kind of ironic to have it occur only in the recovery phase. Oh well.

DCE's are tough but not impossible. Try to make a facial expression encompassing confused anger. Then try hungry-euphoria, tired-genius, painful-delight, suave-dock-worker, timid-bliss, intellectual-nausea, and scared-wimp. In all, the exercise will prove very useful as well as preparatory.

Next is the situational-expressive-mode (sometimes called SEM's for short). This is where it gets really dangerous. If you stretch yourself too far, you could permanently damage vital facial muscles and end up looking permanently stupid. But, excellence is not without risk and if you are going to win the woman of your dreams you must risk using your face. Sorry, that's life.

What I want you to do is loosen up a bit. Shake your arms, roll your head around, hop up and down a couple of times, and then jog in place for a minute. Next, massage your face, stretch those lips, raise those brows, show those teeth, flare those nostrils, and blink those eyes. You've got to psyche yourself up for the next stage of situational-expressive-mode-exercises.

Once all the preliminaries are finished and you are thoroughly warmed up, you need to think of abstract situations and then apply a facial expression appropriate to each.

Now, the following poem is very important. Write it down and carry it in your wallet. It is a simple little bit of truth that should help revolutionize the use of your face.

Exaggeration is the best.
So don't give your face a rest.
Toil, and strain, and contort your face
You'll then do well in the dating race
If you think you've got it down
Then try again until you've found
That perfect look for every sitch-o'
That'll come in ease without a hitch-o'

(I never said I was a poet.)

The next step is to imagine. Let me give you some examples. You are walking under a tree and suddenly a pile of dog poop falls on your shoe. Now make an expression that shows not only your surprise and bewilderment, but also the accompanying odorous assault on your smelling glands. Do you see how dangerous this can be to your face? If you sprain a muscle, just go soak it in the bathroom sink for an hour or two.

O.K. another abstract situation.

You are in a mall, in a hurry, and out of luck. As you turn a corner you accidentally run into a petite young girl and knock her down. Her ice cream goes flying and she yelps a soft feminine chirp when her behind connects with the hard tile. Well, accidents are accidents, but unfortunately for you, her boyfriend is not happy. You look up at him and discover his very large, muscular, tattooed body draped in leathers and chains. This is when you notice a tree limb size arm leading to a barbel sized fist. He crushes his package between his banana size fingers, glares at you and grumbles, "uurrgghhrrugh." Now, quick what do you do besides beg for mercy? You make a facial expression. Are you afraid? Are you scared? Are your pants full? Maybe you might want to do all three, fear, scared, and full in one monumental expressive thrust of facial inspiration. Who knows, it may come in handy when you're in the mall one day.

Or how about this one . . .

You are at the beach and there are millions of total babes flaunting themselves shamelessly. Your towel, providentially, is located next to a solitary feminine creature of exquisite contour. The sun is hot and the breeze cool. She looks over at you and smiles. Your heart rate instantly doubles and your mouth dries up like the Sahara. You reach into your small ice chest and pull out one of several chilled cokes, pop the top, and begin to guzzle. You finish with, "Aaahhh." A quick glance to the dainty attraction and you notice she somehow appears thirsty and that her eyes are glued on your refreshment. This is a perfect opportunity to attempt a conversation, have her like you, go on a date, fall in love, and get married...all for a coke. You risk a rejection and say, "Would you like one?" She smiles and replies softly, "Yes, I would. Thank you."

Your heart jumps to 200 beats per minute and a gallon of adrenalin dumps into your system, "whoosh." You grab a coke, hop up and gallantly jump onto the sand--the very very hot sand.

"Whahahowohoahowahoa," you scream as you scramble over towards her, kicking sand everywhere. The bottoms of your feet are approaching the melting point just as you make it to her and fall clumsily upon her towel. She giggles softly and thanks you for the drink.

"I'm sorry," you say as you gather yourself together. "I had no idea the sand had gotten so hot."

"That's why I brought slippers," she says. "You can't walk on this stuff at this time of day."

"Great! I can see the headlines now. MAN STRANDED ON BEACH. TURNS INTO ONE BIG BLISTER." Then you take a drink.

"Well," she says, "If you want, you can use my slippers and bring your stuff over here next to me and I'll put suntan lotion on your back."

You gasp and spray a fine mist of liquid into the air accompanied by a few coughs.

She laughs again and hands you her slippers. God is smiling on you.

You hurry on over to your towel, grab everything and in seconds you're back with her. You both exchange names and laugh repeatedly at each other's jokes. The hours seem like minutes. Soon the sun begins to set and the air cools. Stars begin to twinkle and by now the beach is deserted. It’s just you two now as you both leave, holding each other's hand. (By the way, your heart never did stop racing; she's wonderful.)

Now, this expressive must be very special indeed. What would you think best shows the moment? Don't forget to include delight, surprise, hope, and mix it all with a bit of future love. It'll be fun.

If you don't mind, I think I'll change the mood a bit. Here's a last somewhat bizarre one to help you along.

It's a cold, stormy night. Rain is whipped and thrown across the windshield of your car. You're steering down a long crooked back woods road. Suddenly, a tree crashes down in front of you... and then another behind. You are blocked in. You get out of your car and begin to walk. The wind slaps you with sheets of rain that drench you to the bone. Booming thunder rattles your frame in deafening roars. Fear begins to scratch its way up from the depths of your being... you fight to push it down. Suddenly, you feel adrenaline filling your system, quickening your heart, and intensifying your fear; you begin to tremble. From your right you notice a pair of eyes reflecting the moon light. They are watching you. Terror begins to rise within. You hurry your pace, then you trot, then bolt into a full run. The wind pushes you along and the thunder shouts curses at you. That is when you realize your tremendous need to go to the bathroom. You've never felt anything like it before. What energy is not taken in controlling your fear rushes to control your bodily functions. Every part of you is straining in the run, the squeeze, and the fear. And then you notice it. Somehow through all the tumultuous clamor and wet you smell the worst stench of your entire life emanating from somewhere in nature's cold blackness. It is so bad it seems to have claws that reach into your gut and wrench your dinner into a gelatinous oozing mass of nausea. But you're still trembling... and running... and squeezing... and oozing... You say to yourself, "I...can't take...much more...", and that is when ..."she" appears. It happened suddenly in a flash of light. There she was, the most beautiful woman you've ever seen. She's drenched and standing next to her car that has a flat. Her eyes are sad and helpless and she mutters four needful words that somehow make it to your ears, "Can you help me?" Your heart leaps but is instantly crushed, because you know that if you stop you will explode in one huge mass of disgusting digestive processes writhing in the agony of your fear and predicament. As you pass her she reaches out to you in longing expressions... and then she is gone. And so are you, still running into the cold blackness.

Now, the key to this expressive is to develop a countenance that not only announces every trace of bodily discomfort and mortal fear, but also includes a profound hint of lost love. If you can do it, you are indeed a master of ******* and as a master will be able to amaze your girlfriend, and impress people. Your life will be forever better.

You’re welcome.