You and Female Hormones

Chapter 12

You and Female Hormones

 

I thought of calling this chapter “How Female Hormones Affect A Man,” but decided against it since there was too much room for confusion.  And since I don't have female hormones flowing through my manly veins, writing about them is confusing enough, so a confusing title about a confusing subject might get, well...confusing.  The present title, anyway, will have to suffice.

Now I make no claim to understanding this unpredictable feminine anomaly, but I can observe it and, hopefully, help you to stay a respectable distance from it, like you would to a dog that you didn't know was friendly or not.

Female hormones (Sounds like a 50's Sci-fi movie doesn't it?) are indeed culprits of the further confusing feminine contagions that we must deal with.  Let me give you some examples.

You're walking with your girlfriend in a mall and little do you know that "that time of month" is affecting subterranean emotional havoc upon her.  She can’t help it.  It’s part of being a woman.  So, you innocently point to a mannequin in a window and say, "That's a nice dress."

What does she do?  She starts crying and hits you in the arm.

"What did I do?" you exclaim.

"You said you like that dress," she says sobbing.

You haven't a clue to what is happening and are completely confused.  So you panic and in micro-seconds you try to remember if she has a dress like that and try to remember anything that could be involved with that dress, style, color...anything, but nothing, nothing at all.  So you say, very carefully and slowly, "Yah..I..like.. that..dress."  Then you kind of flinch and wait for her reaction.

"See," she says and cries some more.

By now you notice that people are beginning to gather and stare and old folks are looking at you like you're some mean slimy bully bad-mouthing a poor helpless young lady.  You nervously put your arm around her, pat her tenderly, and nod nervously, half smiling, at the developing crowd.  Then out of the corner of your mouth you mumble, "You're making a scene.  People are watching."

"I don't care if they watch," she says loudly and shrugs off your arm.

What do you do?  Only one thing.  Look up behind the crowd, point, and then when everyone turns and looks, leave.  Duck into a store nearby and watch things from a safe distance.  Of course, you will be in trouble for abandoning her, but at least a crowd won't be staring at you.

Do you see how much female hormones can get you in trouble?  If you think that is bad, how do you think married guys feel when their wives are pregnant and their hormones are doing somersaults?  I know, because my wife is pregnant now.  She's happy, sad, happy, sad...  I've learned to keep out of her way and say, "Yes dear" a lot.  It can be pretty terrifying (it really could be a sci-fi movie).

Here's another thing.

Let's say you've just arrived at your girlfriend’s apartment.  She opens the door, lets you in, offers you a kiss, and gets you a coke.  No problem so far.  Then for some unknown reason something goes wrong...

"What do you want to do tonight?", you ask politely.

"I don't know," she says happily.

You sit down, prop your feet up, frown a bit, squinch your lips and moan, "Hmmmm..., Let's see.  What could we do?"

She stares at you, storms into the kitchen, and slams a couple of pans on the stove.

Instantly, you put your feet on the ground and sit up...no stand up.  Your mind races.  Her reaction was irrational, purely emotional.  Maybe, just maybe if you were to say something irrational too, she might snap back into a normal mood.

"I like the way the leaves on that plant stand up," you say pointing to a green vegetable thing in the corner.

She comes out of the kitchen and says, "Yes it is doing rather well, isn't it”  When I first got it, it was really small but now its doing fine.  Aren't you Barney...yes, you're doing so good now aren't you...nice plant."  She kisses towards the plant several times, then smiles at you and gives you a hug.

"What do you want to do?" she says calmly.

"What ever you want to do is fine with me," you respond.

What do you think?  Has something like that happened to you?  Girls are weird, aren't they?  One minute they’re normal humans and the next there, they’re. . .weird.

Or how about this?  Have you ever gotten the silent treatment.  Boy, do I hate that.  You know, your driving along and your date is with you and the sky is blue, the birds are singing, the radio is on, everything is fine.  You hum along with the tune and look over at her.  She has her arms folded, a scowl pasted on her face, and she is looking stiffly straight ahead.

"What's wrong?" you inquire.

Silence

"Uhhhh, was it something I said?"

Silence

"Something I did?"

Silence

"Something I didn't say?"

Silence

"Something I didn't do?"

Silence

Now, I don't mind having a spat or two as long as I know what I am arguing about.  That way I can defend myself and accuse her appropriately.  But what do you do when she doesn't say or do anything?  Just wait!  Who knows what the problem is.  Don't try to figure it out.  Just give her time to see the error of her ways and open up to you.  Its the only decent thing to do.  Turn up the radio and start humming along again.  It'll drive her insane in less than a minute.  That way she will either yell at you or punch you in the arm.  Either way she's communicating.