The following outline consists of my notes that I’ve developed over the years from both teaching Bible studies and counseling Christian, married couples. Marriage counseling is not my main calling, but occasionally I meet with couples in order to help them. At the time of releasing this information, I have counseled 36 Christian couples. To my surprise, in 32 of the 36 counseling encounters, the husbands have been the main problem. That is 89%!  This caused me to think about the reasons and develop some theological perspectives.  So, I theorize that because of society’s degradation of man, women’s misplaced understanding of the position in marriage, and the lack of proper biblical teaching from the pulpits, men have failed in their duties. Of course, women have too.  But, in my experience, it is the men who are failing more in their marriage roles.

Nevertheless, the following outline is intended to help both husbands and wives understand their positions and roles in Christian marriage. I can only pray and hope that these notes help people.

Please feel free to print these up and go over them and teach them in Bible studies and church contexts.  You can also download the outline in Microsoft Word format.  You can also watch my presentation of this topic at a casual study I did at my house.

One last thing. What I present here is how things are supposed to be. I understand that there are differences in circumstances, actions, and attitudes of married couples. There are mixed marriages where a Believer is married to an unbeliever.  In some marriages, one person can be physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive.  In such cases, counseling is needed. But what I present here is not about counseling but about the theology of marriage.

 

1. The Trinity
   1. God is the standard of holiness and truth.  Therefore, we ought to look to God for what marriage is supposed to be.  It is a reflection of God’s nature.
   2. Statement about God
      1. There is only one God in all places at all times. There are no gods before Him and no gods after Him. He is the one and only uncreated, necessary, Trinitarian Being, eternally consisting of three simultaneous and distinct persons, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit (Fellowship in God is the foundation for fellowship in Marriage). The three persons share the same divine nature (The man and woman are the same nature: human). Neither person derives his substance from either or both of the others. The Trinity is not comprised of parts. Each of the persons have different functions involving election, redemption, and application (In marriage, the husband and wife have different roles). The Trinity is spiritual in nature (Marriage is spiritual in nature), non-contingent, unchanging, transcendent, and sovereign. God has nothing against which He can be compared and defined. Therefore, that which is good is revealed by God’s nature which is consistent with His holiness and righteousness (The standard and goodness of marriage is based on God’s goodness). There is no condition in which the Christian God might exist or could not exist since that would not be the God of the Bible. He is self-revealed in creation, scripture, and Jesus. He is the ultimate source of all truths, all actualities, and all potentialities (His declaration of marriage, the Garden, is a revelation of truth). In the Trinity are unity and diversity, which are equally basic and mutually dependent upon one another (Marriage is unity and diversity with mutual dependence). God’s incommunicable attributes (omniscience, omnipotence, etc.) stress his transcendence, and his communicable attributes (love, mercy, fellowship) stress his immanence. God is neither included in space nor absent from it. God created the universe as well as people (We are created by God for His glory, Isaiah 43:7). He does whatever He pleases and ordains all that occurs. He possesses infinite knowledge, wisdom (His declarations concerning marriage are wise), presence, and power that manifest out of His good and holy nature. Therefore, that which is good is known by comparison to God’s nature, which is holy and righteous. Since He is the ultimate standard of all that is good, He will judge all people. Those who have, by faith, trusted in the self-revealed atonement of Jesus, who is God in flesh, will be saved from God’s righteous and eternal condemnation. Those who have not will face eternal condemnation.
2. The Trinitarian God is the basis of marriage. God is the foundation.
   1. God is a Trinity
      1. Ontological Trinity – each person in the Trinity shares the same divine nature.
      2. Economic Trinity – each person in the Trinity has different functions. The Father elects, the Son redeems, the Holy Spirit applies the redemptive work.
      3. Fellowship in the Trinity- each person in the Trinity fellowships with each of the other.
         1. Perichoresis – each person of the Trinity indwells each of the other (“the two become one flesh” Genesis 2:24 and Matthew 19:5).
   2. Matthew 12:34, out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks
      1. God spoke and declared marriage is a reflection of his character.
3. Genesis, Marriage, and Purpose
   1. God invented marriage
      1. Because it is in His heart of fellowship. It reflects the perichoresis (interpersonal indwelling and fellowship) of the three persons of the Trinity
         1. This is reflected in Marriage where the two become one flesh.
            1. Genesis 2:24, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”
      2. Marriage between a man and a woman is the means to carry out the Dominion Mandate given by God.
         1. Dominion Mandate: “Genesis 1:26–28, “Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” 27 God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. 28 God blessed them; and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”
            1. The dominion mandate included multiplication in order to fill the earth and subdue it.
            2. Adam was not capable of carrying out the dominion mandate by himself. He needed a helpmate, a woman with whom he could have children and thereby fulfill the dominion mandate.
            3. Work: “God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it,” (Gen. 2:15).
            4. Restrictions: Do not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, (Gen. 2:17).
               1. This is a submission to the will of God’s word.
   2. Institution of Marriage
      1. Genesis 2:18–25, “Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” 19 Out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the sky, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name. 20 The man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam, there was not found a helper suitable for him. 21 So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. 22 The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. 23 The man said, “This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman because she was taken out of Man.” 24 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.”
      2. Not good for man to be alone (Gen. 2:18)
         1. This ultimately reflects the injured Trinitarian communion of fellowship.
      3. God took a rib from Adam (Gen. 2:21)
         1. This ultimately reflects the ontological Trinity (the three persons share the same divine essence), in that the two people, men and woman in marriage, share the same human essence.
      4. Adam named her woman, (Gen. 2:23) signifying positional authority
         1. Some people bristle at this, but God the Father has authority over the Son, yet the Father and Son are equal.  Therefore, being in a position of authority in the marriage is not oppressive nor ungodly.
         2. If Jesus can be in submission, then Jesus is the model of submission.
            1. John 5:19, “Therefore Jesus answered and was saying to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, the Son can do nothing of Himself, unless it is something He sees the Father doing; for whatever the Father does, these things the Son also does in like manner.”
            2. John 5:30, “I can do nothing on My own initiative. As I hear, I judge; and My judgment is just, because I do not seek My own will, but the will of Him who sent Me.”
      5. Adam alone, cannot carry out the dominion mandate
         1. Needs a woman: procreation
      6. A man is incomplete in his personal calling and requirements without a woman.
         1. This is normative
         2. But, of course, not all men and women are called to be married.
            1. Matthew 19:12, “For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother’s womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept this, let him accept it.”
      7. God is sovereign. A form of sovereignty given to man
         1. Subdue the earth, Gen. 1:28
         2. Cultivate the garden, Genesis 2:15
      8. How did God set up marriage?
         1. In Genesis, we find the first Marriage and its Purpose
         2. Complimentary calling’s with specific roles
         3. Man has roles
         4. Woman has roles
4. What is Marriage?
   1. Covenant
      1. A covenant is a pact or agreement between two or more parties. Usually, it includes the identification of the parties as well as stipulations, along with rewards and punishments for keeping and/or breaking the covenant.
         1. “Till death do us part”
         2. Covenants have signs
            1. Eternal Covenant (blood of Christ),
            2. Adamic Covenant (Gen. 2:16-17, tree),
            3. Noahic Covenant (Gen. 9:9-17, rainbow),
            4. Abrahamic Covenant (Gen. 12:7, circumcision),
            5. Communion covenant (Luke 22:19–20, bread and wine)
            6. The marriage covenant sign is the ring
   2. Eternal Covenant of Heb. 13:20
      1. Hebrews 13:20, “Now the God of peace, who brought up from the dead the great Shepherd of the sheep through the blood of the eternal covenant, even Jesus our Lord,”
         1. I believe this is the intro Trinitarian covenant with the father would elect to save. The Son would redeem them. And, the Holy Spirit would apply the redemptive work to the saved.
   3. Marriage is a three-way covenant
      1. The man and the woman become a permanent couple (till death dissolves the marriage)
         1. Example of Consent and Vows in a Marriage Ceremony
            1. Declaration of Consent
               1. (Groom/Bride)     Name_______   , do you take this man/woman to be your wedded husband/wife, to live together in the holy state of matrimony? Do you promise to you love him/her, comfort him/her, honor and keep him/her in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, keep you only unto him/her, so long as you both shall live?   Answer:  “I Do”
            2. Exchange of Vows
               1. “I, _______, take you, _______, to be my (husband/wife), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God’s holy law. In the presence of the Holy Trinity and these witnesses, I make this vow.”
      2. The couple and the community
         1. Excluding the community from their personal sexual relationships and provisional obligations.
      3. God and the couple
         1. Since God is the author of covenant and marriage, Christian couples covenant before God.
   4. The marriage covenant between the man and the woman has obligations and conditions, according to Scripture
      1. Support provision
      2. Sexual provision
      3. Fellowship
      4. Children
      5. Exclusion of sexual relations with others
      6. etc.
5. The Effect of the Fall on Marriage
   1. The Fall as it relates to the truth of God’s word (Gen. 3:1-6)
      1. Doubt God’s word, v. 1
      2. Change God’s word, v. 3
      3. Contradict God’s word, v. 4
   2. The roles of each in marriage was marred
      1. Man
         1. The role of providing, bleeding, working, are now accomplished through toil and suffering.
      2. Woman
         1. the role of bearing children, nurturing, following the husband, is now accomplished through pain and her desire to rule over her husband (more on this later)
   3. Effect of the Fall on marriage (alphabetical)
      1. Adultery
      2. Conflict
      3. Decrease of love
      4. Decrease in forgiveness
      5. Disrespect
      6. Divorce
      7. Self-centeredness
      8. Self-righteousness
      9. Self-justification
      10. etc.
   4. Question: Are the words of Scripture, really to be taken that seriously regarding husband and wife roles?
      1. Yes, they are, no matter what society says.
6. Effect of the Fall on the woman (interestingly, she was addressed before the man in scripture. But earlier the man was addressed first, Gen. 3:9 when “The the Lord God called to the man, and said to him, ‘Where are you?'”)
   1. Genesis 3:16, “To the woman He said, “I will greatly multiply your pain in childbirth. In pain you will bring forth children. Yet your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”
      1. Their desire to rule, be the boss, control, and direct their husbands
         1. Women will want to rule over their husbands
         2. Gen. 3:16, “Yet your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”
            1. “desire,” is תְּשׁוּקָה, tashuwqah, Three occurrences; AV translates as “desire” three times. 1 desire, longing, craving. 1a of man for woman. 1b of woman for man. 1c of beast to devour. (Strong’s)
            2. “rule,” is מָשַׁל, mashal, rule, reign, dominion, power
         3. Genesis 3:16, “To the woman He said, “I will greatly multiply Your pain in childbirth, in pain you will bring forth children; Yet your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.””
      2. Women pastors and elders are one of the extended results of the Fall
7. Effect of the Fall on Man
   1. Genesis 3:17–19, “Then to Adam He said, “Because you have listened to the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree about which I commanded you, saying, ‘You shall not eat from it’; Cursed is the ground because of you; In toil, you will eat of it All the days of your life. 18 “Both thorns and thistles it shall grow for you; And you will eat the plants of the field; 19 By the sweat of your face you will eat bread, till you return to the ground because from it you were taken; For you are dust, and to dust you shall return.”
      1. Cursed environment – thorns and thistles (vv. 17-18)
      2. Work with toil (v. 19)
         1. By implication, there will be increased danger in that work
8. Marriage Crisis, attacks on Men and Women
   1. Divorce statistics
      1. In 1920, there was 1 divorce for every 7 marriages. That is 14%.
      2. In 1940, there was 1 divorce for every 6 marriages. That is 17%.
      3. In 1960, there was 1 divorce for every 4 marriages. That is 25%.
      4. In 1972, there was 1 divorce for every 3 marriages. That is 33%.
      5. In 1977, there was 1 divorce for every 2 marriages. That is 50%
      6. Presently, the divorce rate has fallen to 39%.
         1. Good news. But why the improvement?  Is it because people are realizing the necessity of marriage or is it because fewer people are getting married and are instead living with each other?
   2. Marriage roles are under attack in secularism
      1. Attack on the validity and importance of women bearing children
      2. Gender confusion
      3. Women are leaders in the home, in the church, correcting men, flaunting bodies, killing the babies within them, and are even killing children born to them.
   3. Selfishness, lack of love, less empathy, etc.
9. Men and women are different spiritually, physically, and emotionally.
   1. Men are larger, stronger, and have more testosterone.
   2. Females are smaller and have more estrogen.
   3. Only females can bear children.
   4. They are different in stereotypical tendencies.
      1. Men accomplish, risk, and boast in their successes as well as their failures
      2. Women nurture, reduce conflict, help, etc.
   5. Men’s visual processing area of the brain is twice that of females.
   6. Women’s connective tissue between the brain hemispheres is twice that of the males – generally enabling better multitasking. But, men are generally better at focusing.
   7. Temperament
      1. Men: A thick strand of rope with intertwined fibers. Stronger, more linear, more focused.
      2. Women: A hairball of intertwined emotions. More empathetic, multitasking, nuturing.
10. Both Men and Women are under attack
    1. Men
       1. Men are seen less and less as the protectors and the providers, and more and more as oppressors.
          1. This is an attack on biblical truth.
          2. This is an attack on biblical marriage.
          3. This is an attack on men (and women) being made in God’s image (Gen. 1:26-28).
       2. TV, Radio, Sitcoms, toxic masculinity, oppressive patriarchy, to be mocked, incapable, and despised. More and more they are seen as weak, ineffectual, and problematic.
       3. 1 Corinthians 16:13, “Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.”
    2. Women
       1. Flaunt their bodies, use them to seduce, get what they want, increase lust, sell things.
       2. Looking down on their men/husbands, disrespectful, etc.
          1. Wanting to rule over him.
          2. Wanting to mold him.
          3. Wanting to change him.
          4. Wanting to lead him.
       3. Also, there is an increase in the degradation of womanhood.
          1. An increase in rebellion, judgmentalism, and abortion both in the womb and outside.
          2. Women are becoming more crass and vulgar.
          3. Women are seen as sex objects.
    3. How did Jesus exemplify manhood? (His attitudes are for women, too)
       1. Jesus worked, Matt. 13:55; Mark 6:3
       2. Jesus taught, Matt 5:2-7:27
       3. Jesus healed, Matthew 4:24; 8:13; Luke 14:4
       4. Jesus forgave, Luke 5:20; 7:48
       5. Jesus praised women, Mark 12:41-44; 14:8-9
       6. Jesus loved the young, Mark 10:13-16; Luke 18:15-17; Mark 5:35-43
       7. Jesus endured temptation, Heb. 4:15
       8. Jesus prayed for others, John 17:1-26
       9. Jesus died for us, John 3:16
11. Biblical roles of Husbands and Wives in marriage
    1. Husband and wife are the same in purpose
       1. Glorify God
       2. Subdue the earth
    2. Texts on Marriage from which marriage roles are derived
       1. Ephesians 5:22–33, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body. 31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great, but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.”
       2. Colossians 3:18–19, “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be embittered against them.”
    3. Husbands – the biblical role of in marriage
       1. Head of his wife (Eph. 5:23)
       2. Love his wife  (Eph. 5:25)
          1. 1 Corinthians 13:4–7, “Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
          2. Love is a decision
             1. Love is an action.
             2. Love is sacrificial (John 15:13)
    4. Wives – the biblical role of in marriage
       1. Subject to their husbands (Eph. 5:24)
       2. Respect their husbands (Eph. 5:33)
          1. Praise him. Trust him. Encourage him.
          2. Don’t mock him. Don’t look down on him. Don’t hold things against him.
12. Love and Respect
    1. Calling Abraham Lord
       1. 1 Peter 3:1–7, “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, 2 as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. 3 Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; 4 but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. 5 For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; 6 just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear. 7 You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.”
       2. Abraham’s “lordship” was due to his position as the head of the household (not that he is godlike) and also because the Lord had called him and that from him all the nations would be blessed (Gen. 12:3)
       3. Wives should seriously consider the position of the husband in the home and show him respect due to that position.
13. Scriptures for Marriage
    1. Set your mind on the things above
       1. Colossians 3:2, “Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. 3 For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.
    2. Consider yourselves dead to immorality
       1. Colossians 3:5–7, “Therefore consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry. 6 For it is because of these things that the wrath of God will come upon the sons of disobedience, 7 and in them you also once walked, when you were living in them.”
    3. Put aside anger, wrath, etc.
       1. Colossians 3:8, “But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth.”
    4. Put on compassion, kindness, etc.
       1. Colossians 3:12–13, “So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience; 13 bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.”
    5. Let all bitterness be put away from you
       1. Ephesians 4:31–32, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”
          1. Being wrong leads to bitterness
          2. Bitterness leads to resentment
          3. Resentment leads to anger
          4. Anger leads to murder
    6. Wives are subject themselves to husbands, husbands love wives
       1. Colossians 3:18–19, “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be embittered against them.”
    7. Slow to anger, man’s anger does not accomplish the righteousness of God
       1. James 1:19–21, “This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. 21 Therefore, putting aside all filthiness and all that remains of wickedness, in humility receive the word implanted, which is able to save your souls.” 

 

Trinity Father, Son, and Holy Spirit	Husband and Wife Man and Woman
Same in Nature: God	Same in nature: human
Same in purpose: Glorify Self	Same in purpose: glorify God
Creative Action: creating life	Procreative Action:  continuing life
Sovereignty of all things	Sovereign over the earth
Eternal Covenant Three-way covenant. 1) the Father elects and gives the elect to the Son, 2) the Son -to redeems the elect, 3) the Holy Spirit applies the redemptive work to the elect	Temporal Covenant Three-way covenant between 1) a man with a woman, 2) a man and woman with God, 3) and the man and women with society
Eternal Fellowship	Temporal Fellowship